Journal Entry 2

I feel very anxious today. Almost frustrated. I want so bad to create all the time and it goes against other priorities in my life which I get. I don't want it to interfere with my relationship with God, Andrea, my kids, work, etc. but I have a hard time throttling it back. My frustration also comes as a result of feeling like I really never get anywhere. Like I don't see enough progress but that is entitilement that I place on myself. Meaning, if I DO, then I should receive SOMETHING. That something being progress, accolades, money.

I want to feel great at something and I think I have spent my entire life seeking that in all I do with the result being the same. No greatness felt. There really is no such feeling I have begun to realize. But maybe I don't focus enough time on anything. Run from adversity or boredom so nothing really takes root. Maybe this is the root of why I feel like I don't have value.

I do however have this feeling that I am creating in a way that is me even though it seems outside of what everyone else is doing for the most part. I want to get better at communicating. Lighting in photography. Blogging. Video content. I want to feel original to me and not influenced by other outside voices or trends.

Will I ever see or feel a true espression of myself. Will I ever use my God-given creativity for a bigger purpose.

I like dark, moody images. Contrast. Drama. Black and white.